I haven't been around much lately, for I've deeply immersed myself into the job search full-time. Hopefully I will have a new job by the end of the month! I've been a bit weary of sharing much on this topic with my readers, because for several years I was very happy at my job. But alas, things change, and it was time to move on...
But I'm writing today, because it is the day of the month that I continues to bring an elevated amount of anxiety and grief. My dear best friend, Karina, died six months ago today. Tonight to be exact.
The problem that I'm dealing with is still feeling like she's alive. I often find myself saying "we think" referring to Karina and I or "she is." It scares me a bit. I believe it was in January when I was talking to my boyfriend and said, "I'm hanging out with Al and Karina tonight." It wasn't till several hours later that he told me I had said it, and I had no recollection.
I think about Karina probably a thousand times a day. Literally. She's always in me and around me. And I have nightmares several times a week about her. I won't go into detail, because they're always far too horrifying, but I never cease to wake up in a cold sweat with anxiety that lasts into at least the early afternoon.
I think one of the worst things that I've dealt with is thinking about getting married, and her not being there. We had talked about being in each other's weddings maybe a year ago. We were going to be there with each other when we went dress shopping. Karina would have told me if I looked absolutely ridiculous, because I often do. She told me she would be there...
These are just thoughts. My feelings. Things I honestly wish would just go away. Sometimes I wish that we could rewind the six months and have it not have happened.
I love her. I miss her. Sometimes it aches how much I miss her.