Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Look Into The Man's Mind (Via Dennis)

About seven months ago I was reunited with an old friend at a party. I arrived with my current squeeze, got a drink, did some socializing, and then, *slow motion* there he was: Michael Dennis.

Flashback: Years ago when I was a sophomore in high school and Dennis was a senior, we shared some comical relief in our theater class: teasing Ali Murphey's current boyfriend's moobs. We would look at Al and scream "mooooobbbs!" (Maybe you had to be there or maybe you just had to be us, because it was freakin' hilarious.)

In retrospect, I now see it as more of a "When Harry Met Sally" scenario. More than 5 years later, we were reunited, and have been almost inseparable since. He's become so close of friend to me that we've decided that if all else fails, we will indeed marry one day. (I told him that that is only possible if he is a. financially stable, b. has a car, but now I do so we can scratch that, and c. we cannot, I repeat, cannot have a Pomeranian.)

The point of my little Dennis rant is that he is my first guest post on my blog! (I'm honored and wouldn't have it any other way.) Here is Dennis' look into the man's mind on dating:

The lovely Emily Baker approached me and asked me to write a guest post on her blog, because that's how much of a doll she is. Originally she wanted me to compile a list of the top 5 most romantic Creed songs. I got about halfway through before realizing that it was completely impossible, because every Creed song is equally romantic. So she scrapped that and instead asked me to come up with a list of the top 5 things that a man looks for in a woman, or something like that. Obviously I'm the #1 authority on the subject, so I gave her my list.
1. Boobs, dood
2. Not talking
3. Not thinking
4. Loving my Ed Hardy shirts
5. Boobs, bro
She was impressed, but I wasn't. I decided to dig down deeper into my psyche, and I came up with some things that surprised me! Maybe they'll surprise you!

1. Enjoy at least one embarrassingly bad TV show/movie/musician that I'm going to absolutely hate
If you like Mad Men, or Arcade Fire, or Haruki Murakami, fine, jeez, I love you. You have really good taste. But you must like something that sucks. Everybody Loves Raymond? John Mayer? The Babysitters Club? If you have the occasional guilty pleasure, but you try to hide your affinity towards it, that's lame. If you truly don't enjoy bad things, ever (i.e. “OMG I swear, I've only ever seen Criterion Collection films”), then that's even worse.

2. Be able to laugh at yourself (a lot)
No matter who you are, you do things on a daily basis that are endearingly hilarious. And I don't just mean spouting off topical jokes about Chilean miners and Y2K. I mean toilet-paper-stuck-to-your-shoe, badly-mispronouncing-the-names-of-international-politicians, sneezing-then-farting-by-mistake hilarious. But if you take yourself too seriously, you're not going to find any of these funny things to be funny. And then I'm not allowed to think that these funny things are funny. Which will slowly kill me inside.

3. Own at least one pantsuit
Okay, I know. Pantsuits aren't exactly all the rage. I'm not saying you should have an entire closet full of them, ala Hillary Clinton or Murphy Brown…but having a nice one on ice, just in case? That screams preparedness. That means you're ready to rock any fashion trend that might be lurking around the corner. Or that you're prepared to hold public office at a moment's notice. And a woman who can pull off a pantsuit, with style? That's a truly rare talent. But please, no pleats on the trousers. That's a deal-breaker.

4. Own at least one pet (or have ambitions to own at least one pet)
I always say that the best measure of whether someone is a good person or not is how they regard animals. There are some people out there who see a pet of any kind and are immediately like “BLARGH get away from me, I dislike you.” These people are absolute sociopaths. And while I know it's not necessarily logistically possible for everyone to own a pet, every decent person should at least want to own one. Dog? Cat? Skunk? Mongoose? No snakes, though. People with pet snakes are even more sinister than people who don't like animals. And an attractive young woman with a pet snake? Wow. That scares me even more. You don't know who she killed to get that snake. Speaking of which…

5. Don't be scary (at least not all the time)
Outside of owning a snake, just don't be scary. At least not all the time. A little mystery once in a while never hurt anyone, but there's a fine line between being scary mysterious (like Lizzie Borden) and demure mysterious (like Jackie Onassis or Barbara Bush). With all due respect, I think there is a phenomenon nowadays (I blame the '90s) where a lot of young women project confidence by being maneaters. While I respect this decision, cannibalism is not sexy. Be confident, and be strong, yes…but not threatening. And be accessible from time to time. Put down that giant meat cleaver and snuggle up!

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