Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Seven Months Later...

My dear best friend, Karina, has been gone for about seven months, and I'm still reminded of her death and think about her multiple times on a daily basis. 

Trying to explain the grieving process to those of you that may have not yet experienced it yet, can be a bit difficult. The first four to five months were filled with uncontrollable tears and emotional breakdowns. I would be talking to someone like my boyfriend, a close friend, my parents, and someone would say something that would trigger my memory and I would burst into tears. Dennis often says that when I start to cry there is really no way to anticipate. I'll be smiling and talking and then immediately my smile will turn into a frown and I'll be sobbing and talking all at the same time, all the while he is trying to catch up with what just happened. It can be pretty hilarious at times… 

Recently, I feel as if I've started a new chapter of my grieving process. I'm not breaking down uncontrollably, I mean, it definitely happens, but not nearly as often. Now I'm starting to deal with my anger, feelings of guilt, the pressure I put on myself thinking I could have prevented it all from happening, and the big one- dealing with all this while those who were not "directly" affected have moved on. It's hard when a lot of people move on faster than you do, because their daily lives were affected nearly as much; which is completely natural! 

There have also been several intense spiritual moments that I have had by myself. I've felt her and heard her voice at times. And I don't doubt any of it for one minute. 

I am starting to make new girlfriends and reconnect with old ones, which I know Karina would have wanted. A good friend of mine was rubbing some essential oils on my "K" tattoo a couple weeks ago, and she looked at me and said, "I'm putting it on your Karina. I think she would have liked this scent." And I laughed and said "Karina would have HATED this!" 

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