Tuesday, September 18, 2012

One Year Later

Sunday was the day. It was the day that all of us who were affected by Karina's death were waiting for. She died on September 16th of 2011 and it's officially been a year. 

This entire past year I was dreading this past Sunday. I was scared of Sunday. I was nervous that it would change things and that after Sunday everyone forget, move on, and stop talking about it. This entire year we were counting the days and the months by how long it's been since 2011's September 16th. Now that it has come and gone, we'll no longer be saying "It's been four weeks... It's been six months..." It'll only be counted by the years now. No more days, no more months. Only years.


For some of Karina's other closest friends it was an emotional roller coaster of a day. I saw my best friend last night, and she said to me that she was so exhausted from all of the crying still... 

For me, it was different. I don't know if it's because of all the pain that my family has gone through with a completely different situation these past few years, or if it is because I grieved so much throughout the year that Sunday just felt like the closing of a chapter. I just don't know. I'm not sure why Sunday felt almost okay and not horrible to me. I had to keep myself composed all morning because I was co-leading worship in the till 1:30 in the afternoon. That kept me in control of myself, but at the same time I wish I had said something to someone. Our worship leader's mother is dying of cancer and I felt it only appropriate to say nothing while he was sharing his stories and grieving himself. When I got to my car to drive to my parent's to do some laundry, I sobbed. I sobbed from route 16 all the way down route 93. Then I stopped and I didn't cry again. Later in the evening Dennis welcomed me with flowers knowing that my day had been strained. That caused about a twenty-second breakdown and then I was together again.


I think that my body is tired of sorrow. My body is tired from sobbing and breaking down in the middle of the mall.  My body is tired from this past year's events.



So I think my body is kind done with it for the time being. I've grieved as much as I can. I've grieved the loss of two people in my life all in one year, and yes, of course the grieving process continues forever; but I think my body is almost rejecting unhappiness at this point. The past month has been incredible for me. I've started to feel like me again. I've started to be happy again. I've started making people laugh again! I will always allow myself a moment in my day to think of Karina. It's still a daily battle. And it will always bring pain to my soul, but the pain will continue to subside until it is only a small prick and not a giant dagger. 



As I walked up my stairs last night, knowing I was the only person in the building, a breeze traveled through the hallway. I thought I heard her say my name. Maybe I did, but it did feel much further away than when I've felt her around me in the past. But she was still there, and I know she always will be there. I know she will be there if I ever have a baby. And if I ever get married, she'll be there walking down the aisle in a purple dress, just like she promised she would.



I love you Karina Marie. I'll miss you till the day I die. But I will take peace until then knowing that I will be reunited with you in Heaven. 

6 comments:

Bridget said...

emily. i had to come back and read, knowing you were going to post about the 16th.

i just took a heavy breath. i can feel your pain (and your exhaustion just from having the pain) through this post. i think it's ok for the day to not have been AS sad or AS tear-filled as you thought it would. i'm sure karina would too. i'm sure the grief will get lighter as time goes, and it shifts into something different... while you count it in 'years' now instead of months or days. how strange, right?

thinking of you still.

Bridget said...

and i should add that it's so evident how much you love karina through this -- she was lucky to have a friend in you (and i'm sure you were lucky to have her too).

Jessica Holly said...

Hang in there girl. Don't feel bad about not wanting any more sorrow. I think sometimes the best way we can show our loved ones who have passed on that we love them is by living a full, happy life. One of my best friends growing up died two years ago and after a while I came to the conclusion that if I didn't cry for her every day it didn't mean I wasn't honoring her memory...and I think she would be happy about that. I'm so sorry for your loss though- you'll be in my prayers.

Jessica Holly said...

Hang in there girl. Don't feel bad about not wanting any more sorrow. I think sometimes the best way we can show our loved ones who have passed on that we love them is by living a full, happy life. One of my best friends growing up died two years ago and after a while I came to the conclusion that if I didn't cry for her every day it didn't mean I wasn't honoring her memory...and I think she would be happy about that. I'm so sorry for your loss though- you'll be in my prayers.

Nomali/Minenhle said...

This is beautiful. Your body choosing happiness for you is another to make her happy and put her at peace. Hang in there. No longer crying doesn't mean forgetting. It's just remembering in a better way.

his little lady said...

Such a beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. All you can do is remember, remember her legacy and the memories that you share, let her passing not hinder you but empower you to be the best person you can be!
Many thoughts and prayers are being sent your way, and to her families.
xo TJ

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