Thursday, February 6, 2014

Real Life: Singling But Not Mingling

So I've been single for eight months. I was in a very serious and fast relationship last year that ended so untriumphantly that it completely rocked my world. (And it was actually with someone from Nashville.) I was completely numb for the first three months post-break-up because of how out of the blue it had been. While I was sitting on my couch each day after work every day for those three months, I started to look at myself. I am twenty-five, I've fooled around a lot, and this time I thought this what it. I thought God had finally said, "Here he is, Em." So I realized that… it's just time to stop. I couldn't continue to enter into relationships with men I hardly knew that claimed to be the savior of all-time. Obviously, there was something wrong with this picture and after much assessment, I realized  that I was continuously lowering my standards with every man I dated. I was no longer living by the standards that my God had for me. So it was time to make a game plan. The ultimate campaign for my new lifestyle became: "No More." No more dating men I hadn't cultivated some sort of friendship with prior to. No more sex. Period. No more planning ahead with a man. Ever. And no more giving gifts prior to a serious trust-level being gained. 
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Now some of those might sound a little intense and a little radical. And I agree with you! This is a very radical lifestyle I've been cultivating and living these past eight months. I've had some friends (the wonderful ones) completely support me and love it and then I have friends (the shitty ones) that laugh in my face telling me I'll never be able to do it. But guys, my break-up with my last boyfriend made me really look deeper into all my past relationships and pick apart what I had done to emotionally attach myself so intensely to someone else. And I realized that I had been over-using and prematurely using all my love-languages. I had been actively using these intimate love-languages with men I had no commitment or true love & trust with. When I'm with a man I care deeply for I want to: 
Be physically intimate
Give him gifts 
Play house and fantasize about the future with
I mean, that's pretty normal, right? Now over the past few years I've gained more control of the first and the last, but boy, do I just adore giving gifts. I really do. And I will waste my money on someone who I will never see again... It's just not a great idea, right?! So I knew that I needed to get a complete understanding of how I date appropriately knowing these things about myself and before I entered the dating world again. I gave myself a timeline of at least a year… Of course, things can change, but that's the pact that I had to make with myself and with God, and we'll take it a day at a time.
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But once I get back INTO the dating scene, I'll have to deal with these Northern men all over again. And let me tell you how that goes here in good 'ole Beantown: 
There was a guy at this party I was at on New Years who was just so confused by the fact that he was at a party with people that go to church. GASP!! Heaven forbid that a Boston-local goes to church or that, even WORSE, they have FAITH IN SOMETHING! Holy shit, this is freakin' MINDBLOWING, guys! (All sarcasm, in case you weren't getting that.) I mean, really, being a single Christian woman in Boston is the equivalent to being a jellyfish who's trying to live a fulfilling life on the sand with the damn crabs. Impossible. Our parents wonder what's wrong with us and clearly, we're doing SOMETHING wrong, here, because, duh, our parents found each other after all! Guys, parents, people, please "listen" to me, here. We live in Boston. BOSTON. According to the Huffington Post, Boston is the #1 most educated city for young people in America. "In the Boston-Cambridge-Quincy, MA-NH metro area, 39.16 percent of the population aged 18 to 34 has a bachelor's degree or higher." Massachusetts is the #1 most liberal STATE and is 30.5% liberal. Education and faith just don't go hand in hand in our world anymore. In fact, the more educated the human race becomes, the more they depend on science rather than faith.
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(stupid random piece of alfalfa hair)
And let's be real for a second, and I'm sorry if I offeahuhnd! (This is my experience.) The few men around here that ARE evangelical Christians are either already married, are seriously creepy nerds from MIT, or they're so conservative that they will hardly talk to you if you exude any sort of sexuality, independence, or rebellion from conservatism in any shape or form, because they're either secretly porn-addicts, they think we're below them, or they just don't trust themselves. I know this may sound harsh and all, but I'm speaking my truth and my truth only. This is what I've observed and have discussed with many-a-Christian-woman.
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Having a serious Disney-Princess Complex, these past two years have been the first two that I haven't lived completely in hopes that I would find my husband. (I grew up in an evangelical church, guys.) The past eight months, dating has maybe crossed my mind never. It's been glorious. I have completely focused on MY future and what God wants for ME. I don't have to think about it, because it's a non-issue. And DAMN, it feels good to be a ganstah. 
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Hair Bow: Forever21
Dress: Thrifted via Buffalo Exchange
Cardigan: Vintage via Great Eastern Trading Company
Necklace: So Good Jewelry
Shoes: Clarks


meerkat. said...

This post speaks to me. May you succeed in your "No More" campaign. No more bullshitting guys!

Gentri said...

I love this post so much and can totally relate!! Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences. I love that you have been taking time for yourself and have found such happiness in that!


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