Where Are You?

Whether it be out loud and up towards the sky, or just to myself in my head, it’s a question I asked myself about a thousand times since the seventeenth of September… Unfortunately, many of you completely understand what it feels like to lose someone that you were so close to; so this very well may be nothing new to you. For the first month, I would easily lose myself in thought. I would be sitting at my desk at work or on the couch at my parent’s house and literally just stare into the abyss. Sometimes I would look up towards the heavens and ask, “where are you, Karina?”

You would think that as a practicing Christian, I wouldn’t need to ask myself this over and over again. Frankly, I think it has a lot to do with the abrupt circumstances. It was not cancer or any other fatal disease, which of course, comes with its own struggles and pain for loved ones. It was a tragic car accident that ended with both Karina and her boyfriend, Michael Joyce, dead. I think my mind is playing catch-up and still trying to wrap itself around the mere notion that Karina, who I spent several nights or days out of the week with for the past several years, isn’t here on Earth. Karina’s not coming over later. Or Karina isn’t running late. Or Karina hasn’t lost her keys. Or Karina needs to borrow a dress because she’s always driving from my place, to Michelle’s, to Kimmy’s, or to Mike’s, and hasn’t done her laundry in two months.

So, I ask again, where are you, my darling Karina? Are you having fun? Do you miss us? Will I ever have you in my dreams? Can you hear me when I sing for you?

I can’t win, I can’t reign
I will never win this game without you
Without you
I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same without you
Without you
I won’t run, I won’t fly
I will never make it by without you
Without you
I can’t rest, I can’t fight
All I need is you and I without you
Without… you

~Usher