Real Life: I Still Miss You

It's been two years since my best friend, Karina, died suddenly. 

Time heals, but it doesn't mean I still don't miss her daily...

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I miss you, my darling Karina.

I miss your big eyes with your beautiful long eye lashes. 

I miss rubbing your head when you're snuggling up against me, and feeling your curly locks in my hand. 

I miss your laugh and your voice.

I miss you singing at the top of your lungs in the car. 

I miss your rough eyebrows that you didn't like but I thought they were awesome. 

I miss having sleepovers all. the. time. 

I miss falling asleep in the same bed, while talking to each other in our exhausted delirium talk. 

I miss it when you called me Emmy. I was only your Emmy and always will be; but I love it when people random call me it because it reminds me of you.

I miss watching scary movies with you. I go to the movies by myself to see horror flicks now, and I always say that I'm having a "Karina night."  

I miss telling you everything and you knowing everything about me.  

I will miss you till the day we are reunited in Heaven. 

---

Real Life: Another Life...

So I'm having a super contemplative evening so far. Stick with me kids, this should be good... I'm listening to some pretty rad music right now (Beach House… holy JESUS, Meg and Col, you were right), the hookah lit up, and some patchouli incense. Yes, a contemplative mood, guys. 

So this past week was pretty interesting for me. In fact, I don't think I've ever had one like it and may very well never again. But let's PRAY that's not the case, right?! ANYhoo, I met some pretty amazing musicians, and it brought me back to the place I lived in for 15 years of my life. (And I have a very dear friend, little Jani-Muff to thank for introducing me to them.) For about five of those final years I was constantly surrounded by musicians that were blowing my mind away, and I haven't experienced that since probably age 20. Sunday night, I was introduced to the back-up band and part of the crew members for Mumford & Sons. 

Side note: Three years ago, I saw Mumford with my Irish roommate and Karina, my beloved best friend who died a year and a half ago. I had researched the band prior to going, because I didn't know much about them. They were new and fresh and folk, thus I was fell in music love. Karina went not having heard them yet, because we got her a ticket last minute. They were playing at The Middle East, in Central Square, Cambridge, Ma. MAYBE 200 people in the basement? And I believe they opened with Sigh No More, and Karina looked at me, looked at the band again, the music picked up, and she just started jumping up and down, fist pumping, with the rest of the mostly-Irisih audience. And I joined...

So after drinking several beers and not at all watching the Super Bowl with some of these guys on Sunday, I spent the next two nights listening to their beautiful music that I had memorized and going out with them afterwards. It was surreal… But I think the only things that made it truly surreal was because I saw them as my equals and vice versa. And I think that had to do with our musicianship that we shared, and how I had spent a night three years ago in oddly another life-time, listening to them in this tiny venue. 

Mumford & Sons' music is incredible and there will never be another band like them, but! their character is even better. And when I say Mumford & Sons, I mean the entire touring band and their techs and crew. They're great people that just love music, who just want to be a part of it in some way. And it brought me so much joy to feel a part of that again for three days. 

Thanks, guys. I'll never forget it. And I hope our paths cross again at some point. 

Style de Haviland: British Glitter & Giveaway Winner

I guess I started to realize today after having several crying fits, that I've had a bit of a delayed reaction to the anniversary on Sunday. I fell apart as soon as I woke up this morning after reading a quick work email on my phone saying that I had made a mistake. I hate making mistakes, and constantly push myself to be the perfect version of me. Unfortunately, that doesn't exist, but I digress. The work email made me fall of the ledge into a ocean of tears that I was battling until I started writing this post. Ha! 

But it's just part of the process, no? It's what I need to do in order to push forward. 

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. It means everything. Seriously, guys, it really does. Getting those sweet comments in the middle of my day just brightened my spirit, so once again, thank you. I know Karina's family appreciates all your prayers. 

 Jeans: Levi

Top: Vintage via Mini Penny

Shoes: Sperry Top-Sider

 And as for the Sperry Top-Sider boat shoe giveaway, here's the winner!! Congrats lady! I'll be emailing you! 

One Year Later

Sunday was the day. It was the day that all of us who were affected by Karina's death were waiting for. She died on September 16th of 2011 and it's officially been a year. 

This entire past year I was dreading this past Sunday. I was scared of Sunday. I was nervous that it would change things and that after Sunday everyone forget, move on, and stop talking about it. This entire year we were counting the days and the months by how long it's been since 2011's September 16th. Now that it has come and gone, we'll no longer be saying "It's been four weeks... It's been six months..." It'll only be counted by the years now. No more days, no more months. Only years.

For some of Karina's other closest friends it was an emotional roller coaster of a day. I saw my best friend last night, and she said to me that she was so exhausted from all of the crying still... 

For me, it was different. I don't know if it's because of all the pain that my family has gone through with a completely different situation these past few years, or if it is because I grieved so much throughout the year that Sunday just felt like the closing of a chapter. I just don't know. I'm not sure why Sunday felt almost okay and not horrible to me. I had to keep myself composed all morning because I was co-leading worship in the till 1:30 in the afternoon. That kept me in control of myself, but at the same time I wish I had said something to someone. Our worship leader's mother is dying of cancer and I felt it only appropriate to say nothing while he was sharing his stories and grieving himself. When I got to my car to drive to my parent's to do some laundry, I sobbed. I sobbed from route 16 all the way down route 93. Then I stopped and I didn't cry again. Later in the evening Dennis welcomed me with flowers knowing that my day had been strained. That caused about a twenty-second breakdown and then I was together again.

I think that my body is tired of sorrow. My body is tired from sobbing and breaking down in the middle of the mall.  My body is tired from this past year's events.

So I think my body is kind done with it for the time being. I've grieved as much as I can. I've grieved the loss of two people in my life all in one year, and yes, of course the grieving process continues forever; but I think my body is almost rejecting unhappiness at this point. The past month has been incredible for me. I've started to feel like me again. I've started to be happy again. I've started making people laugh again! I will always allow myself a moment in my day to think of Karina. It's still a daily battle. And it will always bring pain to my soul, but the pain will continue to subside until it is only a small prick and not a giant dagger. 

As I walked up my stairs last night, knowing I was the only person in the building, a breeze traveled through the hallway. I thought I heard her say my name. Maybe I did, but it did feel much further away than when I've felt her around me in the past. But she was still there, and I know she always will be there. I know she will be there if I ever have a baby. And if I ever get married, she'll be there walking down the aisle in a purple dress, just like she promised she would.



I love you Karina Marie. I'll miss you till the day I die. But I will take peace until then knowing that I will be reunited with you in Heaven. 

Real Life: Missing You

~ I wrote this last week when I was having a bad “Karina day” as we call them. ~

Moving out of my apartment of almost three and a half years is hard. I’ve started the packing process... Yikes. But I haven’t cried yet, so I consider that a major accomplishment.

Probably the only ridiculously upsetting part about moving out of my apartment is the fact that Karina spent almost as much time there as I did. On summer evenings, we would sit on the porch for HOURS after work, talk about our days and smoke way too many cigarettes. She would often walk into my apartment unannounced with two fountain diet cokes from Burger King that she had picked up on her way. She could read my mind.

During the second year I lived there, she had a key to my apartment and I had a key to hers. (Of course my roommates had “okayed” that beforehand.) One of my female roommates liked her way more than she liked me, and made it quite clear because she tended to only engage in conversation when Karina was around. We all referred to her as our fourth roommate. I can’t ever get the image of Karina yelling from the bathtub scrubbing her feet from a hot summer’s day. I won’t forget her doing her laundry in my basement. In the winter, we would snuggle on my couch and watch scary movies. She was the only one that ever would... None of my friends like scary movies as much as Karina and I did.

This damn apartment... I almost feel like it betrwayed me because she’s not there when I am. The insides feel haunted by her, and yet I’m still there walking through them, brushing my fingers along the shitty plastic walls... I’m going to leave this place. I’m going to leave it behind me and not go back. Every time I step onto the rotting front porch that could break through at any moment, my anxiety turns up a notch. Another hour, another day in that apartment without our dear Karina. The night before she got in her car accident, the three amigos sat on the back porch of my apartment. When the night was over, we all kissed each other goodbye and made plans for the weekend.

I hate this apartment. I hate that it’s being trashed by two bros who couldn’t care less about my belongings that take up the entire space. I hate that I’m still there. I hate the floors that I wept and screamed on that Saturday morning. I hate that fucking front porch that my father caught me on as I collapsed when he picked me up. I’m ready to move on from this place. It’s time to go, and I will bring my memories with me.

Seven Months Later...

My dear best friend, Karina, has been gone for about seven months, and I'm still reminded of her death and think about her multiple times on a daily basis. 

Trying to explain the grieving process to those of you that may have not yet experienced it yet, can be a bit difficult. The first four to five months were filled with uncontrollable tears and emotional breakdowns. I would be talking to someone like my boyfriend, a close friend, my parents, and someone would say something that would trigger my memory and I would burst into tears. Dennis often says that when I start to cry there is really no way to anticipate. I'll be smiling and talking and then immediately my smile will turn into a frown and I'll be sobbing and talking all at the same time, all the while he is trying to catch up with what just happened. It can be pretty hilarious at times… 

Recently, I feel as if I've started a new chapter of my grieving process. I'm not breaking down uncontrollably, I mean, it definitely happens, but not nearly as often. Now I'm starting to deal with my anger, feelings of guilt, the pressure I put on myself thinking I could have prevented it all from happening, and the big one- dealing with all this while those who were not "directly" affected have moved on. It's hard when a lot of people move on faster than you do, because their daily lives were affected nearly as much; which is completely natural! 

There have also been several intense spiritual moments that I have had by myself. I've felt her and heard her voice at times. And I don't doubt any of it for one minute. 

I am starting to make new girlfriends and reconnect with old ones, which I know Karina would have wanted. A good friend of mine was rubbing some essential oils on my "K" tattoo a couple weeks ago, and she looked at me and said, "I'm putting it on your Karina. I think she would have liked this scent." And I laughed and said "Karina would have HATED this!" 

Six Months Later...

I haven't been around much lately, for I've deeply immersed myself into the job search full-time. Hopefully I will have a new job by the end of the month! I've been a bit weary of sharing much on this topic with my readers, because for several years I was very happy at my job. But alas, things change, and it was time to move on...

via

But I'm writing today, because it is the day of the month that I continues to bring an elevated amount of anxiety and grief. My dear best friend, Karina, died six months ago today. Tonight to be exact.

The problem that I'm dealing with is still feeling like she's alive. I often find myself saying "we think" referring to Karina and I or "she is." It scares me a bit. I believe it was in January when I was talking to my boyfriend and said, "I'm hanging out with Al and Karina tonight." It wasn't till several hours later that he told me I had said it, and I had no recollection.

I think about Karina probably a thousand times a day. Literally. She's always in me and around me. And I have nightmares several times a week about her. I won't go into detail, because they're always far too horrifying, but I never cease to wake up in a cold sweat with anxiety that lasts into at least the early afternoon.

I think one of the worst things that I've dealt with is thinking about getting married, and her not being there. We had talked about being in each other's weddings maybe a year ago. We were going to be there with each other when we went dress shopping. Karina would have told me if I looked absolutely ridiculous, because I often do. She told me she would be there...

These are just thoughts. My feelings. Things I honestly wish would just go away. Sometimes I wish that we could rewind the six months and have it not have happened.

I love her. I miss her. Sometimes it aches how much I miss her.

Interruptions in the Grieving Process

These past couple months I have neglected to write much about my dear best friend, Karina. (If you don’t know the story, feel free to go back to here and here.) I had the thought of writing a post dedicated to her every monthly-anniversary, but, unfortunately, that clearly hasn’t happened. This is because the past several months had become dedicated to family-related drama and terror (for lack of better words,) thus truly coming to terms with grieving over the loss of my relationship with my older brother, but that’s neither here nor there.

Needless to say, the family troubles that my parents, my younger  brother, and I have endured recently have been distracting me completely from moving along with my grieving process over the loss of my best friend, Karina Marie. For about two months, from about Thanksgiving to sometime in late January, I shed not but one tear for my friend.

Not one.

I was becoming the stronghold for both my beloved family in one situation and my closest loved ones in another situation. As February came, things died down with my family, and Karina started haunting my daily life again. (Now when I use the word haunting, I don’t mean it negatively at all. And I also don’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about her everyday as it was. It just became more prevalent again.) Maybe two weeks ago, I started feeling less stressed about my family situation, thus started feel another bout of deep pain and anguish – related to the obvious holes in my daily life: not hearing Karina’s voice, not listening to her stories, not having impromptu sleepovers during the week, not staying up till the wee hours talking about anything and everything from the meaningless nothings to our deepest thoughts and secrets.

I’ve started crying randomly and more often, just like the first two or three months after her accident. I’ve begun verbalizing my thoughts more- telling Dennis and my closest friends stories of her heroism in my life that come out like verbal diarrhea, for I hadn’t thought of those memories until actually speaking them out loud. Every time I think and talk about our vacations together, our adventures, the people we met, the men we dated, the nitty-gritty discussions and challenges we had together, I smile. I always smile when I think about her.

My memories of our friendship bring joy to my life still, which is so crazy to me. You would think that even though you’re grieving a massive loss in your life, that you would only be depressed and angry. Although I feel those things as well, oh boy do I, I still feel immense joy and thankfulness that I had  years of deep friendship with her. She was and still is a true soul mate. And I can’t wait to be reunited with her. It’s one of the things that I am truly blessed to have- knowing that it isn’t over with us. I now understand from experience that that is the beauty of Christ as well. He gives us a second chance- a second life. And we get to live it together for eternity.

A Night for Karina O’Donnell

Hi everyone! I thought I would share with you all this great event that one of Karina’s best friends has put together, so if you’re in the area, please feel free to stop by. It’s a public event and is going to be a blast!

Where: Absolutely Fabulous- 454 Main Street, Melrose, MA 02176-3842

When: Tuesday, December 27, 2011 from 6:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m.

“To raise money for Karina's memorial scholarship, we will be having a very fun event at Absolutely Fabulous in Melrose, MA. For one night only (TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27), the bar will feature a special "Karina Drink" (Think Karina Margarita!) and a portion of the proceeds from each of these drinks purchased will go to Karina's scholarship fund! This is a great way for friends and family to come out in support and memory of our dear, sweet, and of course, absolutely fabulous, Karina! The restaurant has a full menu, so please feel free to come hungry and thirsty (Please drink/drive responsibly and car pool as much as you can). Invite all of your friends and family so we can get as many people there as possible. Wanna jazz it up a little? Wear something purple in honor of our girl!! I know it's a Tuesday night right after/between the holidays, but it's a great time when a lot of people are home, so come on out!!! (Obviously have to be 21 to drink, but it's a full restaurant, so all ages welcome!) See you then!”

~Kim O’Keefe, host

In the coming year, I will be having more opportunities for all my readers to donate to the Karina O’Donnell scholarship fund, which goes to high school seniors interested in perusing a theater degree.

Three Month Anniversary- 10 Things

Today, more like tonight around 11:00 p.m., marks three months exactly to Karina’s accident. Unfortunately, this time also marks my “lady-time,” so pretty much everyone around me is screwed. (Watch out, I might just start blubbering for no reason OR I’ll just bite your head off. You never know! Its like a game!) I feel like the 16th of every month for the next several years will feel strange and uncomfortable, and I’m just kind of getting used to it.

I decided that I would share with you all 10 things that I miss about Karina. So here goes nothin’!

P.S. They’re in no particular order. I’m not that organized.

1. Her Voice

I could recognize her voice in a crowd of a million people. I can be a really loud person, which is something Karina and I shared in common. But she charm people with her genuinely beautiful personality.

2. The way she would sit on the side of my tub and wash her feet

Before we would go out in the summer, she would yell from the bathroom in my apartment, “I’m washing my feet before we go out, because they’re dirty and smelly!” I would always reply with some sort of sarcastic remark and make her laugh.

3. Our sleep-overs

I miss having sleep overs with her. I know we’re getting a little old for that, but she seriously slept at my house one or twice a week at some points. She would either conk out on my super comfy couch or we would stay up in my bed and talk till we were delirious with exhaustion. The subject of aliens came up multiple times.

(I think we were freshman in high school in the photo above.)

4. Her strength

Karina did not have an easy life. She went through some extremely difficult times, but she always managed to come out stronger. She was a freakin’ beast of a woman, I tell ya! Karina could get through anything, come out on the other side, and still be worried about her loved ones and if they were doing okay.

5. Her honesty

This one is probably what makes me cry the most when I think of her. Karina and I were very different from each other. She liked musical theater, I liked Radiohead. (Stuff like that.) But one HUGE thing that we shared in common was our unique and almost jabbing honesty with each other and our loved ones. Karina always told ‘em how it is, and she was almost always right. If I was doing something stupid, she would call me out and just say, “Will you just knock it off, Emmy?!”

 

6. Always down to party

Karina and I loved going out with each other. We both loved to dance. And she didn’t care where we were, just as long as she was with her girls. I would take her to one of my “hipster” (as she would often refer to them as) friends’ parties, and she would have the best time socializing and dancing and just being crazy with me. We often got the “are you guys sisters?” It was great. Some of the best times of my life.

7. When she called me “Emmy”

No one had ever called me "Emmy” until Karina and I became best friends. It just stuck. And I loved it. Now I have a couple friends that call me Emmy, and I still like it because it reminds me of her.

8. Talking about our future weddings

I’ll never forget the night we went to this creepy whole-in-the-wall Irish pub in the city (Boston.) We made a promise to each right then and there that we would be in each other’s weddings and be in each other’s lives till the end.

9. Hearing about “the girls”

Karina loved children. Her maternal instincts kicked in when she was born, basically. Her older brother has three daughters, and Karina literally talked about them all the time. "You’ll never guess what Natalia said yesterday…” Karina was supposed to have kids. She would have been a better mom than I’ll ever be.

10. Her smile

This girl had an infectious smile. Seriously, it lit up the room. I know everyone says that a lot, but Karina literally made a crowd feel more comfortable when she entered.

Where Are You?

Whether it be out loud and up towards the sky, or just to myself in my head, it’s a question I asked myself about a thousand times since the seventeenth of September… Unfortunately, many of you completely understand what it feels like to lose someone that you were so close to; so this very well may be nothing new to you. For the first month, I would easily lose myself in thought. I would be sitting at my desk at work or on the couch at my parent’s house and literally just stare into the abyss. Sometimes I would look up towards the heavens and ask, “where are you, Karina?”

You would think that as a practicing Christian, I wouldn’t need to ask myself this over and over again. Frankly, I think it has a lot to do with the abrupt circumstances. It was not cancer or any other fatal disease, which of course, comes with its own struggles and pain for loved ones. It was a tragic car accident that ended with both Karina and her boyfriend, Michael Joyce, dead. I think my mind is playing catch-up and still trying to wrap itself around the mere notion that Karina, who I spent several nights or days out of the week with for the past several years, isn’t here on Earth. Karina’s not coming over later. Or Karina isn’t running late. Or Karina hasn’t lost her keys. Or Karina needs to borrow a dress because she’s always driving from my place, to Michelle’s, to Kimmy’s, or to Mike’s, and hasn’t done her laundry in two months.

So, I ask again, where are you, my darling Karina? Are you having fun? Do you miss us? Will I ever have you in my dreams? Can you hear me when I sing for you?

I can’t win, I can’t reign
I will never win this game without you
Without you
I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same without you
Without you
I won’t run, I won’t fly
I will never make it by without you
Without you
I can’t rest, I can’t fight
All I need is you and I without you
Without… you

~Usher

Tales for Karina Marie

Happy Columbus Day to all you folks that are lucky enough to have the day off!
Welcome to my new blog (sort of.) It has definitely been a month to remember, that is for sure. On September 16th, one of my dearest and closed friends, Karina O’Donnell, died in a tragic car accident. We had been friends since the 7th grade and our friendship was only getting stronger. Karina was one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Her strength was incredible and her smile could light up an entire room. It hasn’t been a month, but I still feel like we are in a fight and that we will see each other when either of us isn’t being so stubborn anymore. When Karina and I fought, which was VERY rare, we fought like sisters. She was the sister and still is the sister that I never had. Our best friend, Ali, who I get closer to as the days pass, would remind us of that.
I almost immediately decided to take my blog and transform it into something possibly great. For the past week or so, I have been working closely with Danielle from Take Care to redesign the once horrendously ugly layout. (P.S. She is a living wonder, and I am so blessed to have worked with her.)  She took this little blog and has made it look amazing!… I also started to think about the horrendous photographs I was taking with my point and shoot and decided that it just wasn’t going to work out anymore with us. (Luckily, it is about to die, therefore I had a good excuse to break out the dough for a new camera.) I ended up getting a used Canon Eos Digital Rebel, and it will be arriving this week; so be ready for better photographs and more posts in general.
I am extremely excited to see where God takes this blog. I honestly think that He could do wonders with it, so I am looking forward to doing the work and witnessing fruits (if any) of the labor. Posts will include anything and everything, because that is how me and Karina did it. We talked about it all; from my job, to dating, to DIY projects, all will be covered.
Please stop by more often, because I so do enjoy having even one reader!