Real Life: Singling But Not Mingling

So I've been single for eight months. I was in a very serious and fast relationship last year that ended so untriumphantly that it completely rocked my world. (And it was actually with someone from Nashville.) I was completely numb for the first three months post-break-up because of how out of the blue it had been. While I was sitting on my couch each day after work every day for those three months, I started to look at myself. I am twenty-five, I've fooled around a lot, and this time I thought this what it. I thought God had finally said, "Here he is, Em." So I realized that… it's just time to stop. I couldn't continue to enter into relationships with men I hardly knew that claimed to be the savior of all-time. Obviously, there was something wrong with this picture and after much assessment, I realized  that I was continuously lowering my standards with every man I dated. I was no longer living by the standards that my God had for me. So it was time to make a game plan. The ultimate campaign for my new lifestyle became: "No More." No more dating men I hadn't cultivated some sort of friendship with prior to. No more sex. Period. No more planning ahead with a man. Ever. And no more giving gifts prior to a serious trust-level being gained. 

Now some of those might sound a little intense and a little radical. And I agree with you! This is a very radical lifestyle I've been cultivating and living these past eight months. I've had some friends (the wonderful ones) completely support me and love it and then I have friends (the shitty ones) that laugh in my face telling me I'll never be able to do it. But guys, my break-up with my last boyfriend made me really look deeper into all my past relationships and pick apart what I had done to emotionally attach myself so intensely to someone else. And I realized that I had been over-using and prematurely using all my love-languages. I had been actively using these intimate love-languages with men I had no commitment or true love & trust with. When I'm with a man I care deeply for I want to: 

Be physically intimate

Give him gifts 

Play house and fantasize about the future with

I mean, that's pretty normal, right? Now over the past few years I've gained more control of the first and the last, but boy, do I just adore giving gifts. I really do. And I will waste my money on someone who I will never see again... It's just not a great idea, right?! So I knew that I needed to get a complete understanding of how I date appropriately knowing these things about myself and before I entered the dating world again. I gave myself a timeline of at least a year… Of course, things can change, but that's the pact that I had to make with myself and with God, and we'll take it a day at a time.

But once I get back INTO the dating scene, I'll have to deal with these Northern men all over again. And let me tell you how that goes here in good 'ole Beantown: 

There was a guy at this party I was at on New Years who was just so confused by the fact that he was at a party with people that go to church. GASP!! Heaven forbid that a Boston-local goes to church or that, even WORSE, they have FAITH IN SOMETHING! Holy shit, this is freakin' MINDBLOWING, guys! (All sarcasm, in case you weren't getting that.) I mean, really, being a single Christian woman in Boston is the equivalent to being a jellyfish who's trying to live a fulfilling life on the sand with the damn crabs. Impossible. Our parents wonder what's wrong with us and clearly, we're doing SOMETHING wrong, here, because, duh, our parents found each other after all! Guys, parents, people, please "listen" to me, here. We live in Boston. BOSTON. According to the Huffington Post, Boston is the #1 most educated city for young people in America. "In the Boston-Cambridge-Quincy, MA-NH metro area, 39.16 percent of the population aged 18 to 34 has a bachelor's degree or higher." Massachusetts is the #1 most liberal STATE and is 30.5% liberal. Education and faith just don't go hand in hand in our world anymore. In fact, the more educated the human race becomes, the more they depend on science rather than faith.

(stupid random piece of alfalfa hair)

And let's be real for a second, and I'm sorry if I offeahuhnd! (This is my experience.) The few men around here that ARE evangelical Christians are either already married, are seriously creepy nerds from MIT, or they're so conservative that they will hardly talk to you if you exude any sort of sexuality, independence, or rebellion from conservatism in any shape or form, because they're either secretly porn-addicts, they think we're below them, or they just don't trust themselves. I know this may sound harsh and all, but I'm speaking my truth and my truth only. This is what I've observed and have discussed with many-a-Christian-woman.

 

Having a serious Disney-Princess Complex, these past two years have been the first two that I haven't lived completely in hopes that I would find my husband. (I grew up in an evangelical church, guys.) The past eight months, dating has maybe crossed my mind never. It's been glorious. I have completely focused on MY future and what God wants for ME. I don't have to think about it, because it's a non-issue. And DAMN, it feels good to be a ganstah. 

Hair Bow: Forever21

Dress: Thrifted via Buffalo Exchange

Cardigan: Vintage via Great Eastern Trading Company

Necklace: So Good Jewelry

Shoes: Clarks

Frames: Victory Collections

Real Life: Dennis & I

I feel like I never post about my relationship, and honestly, I think I kind of like it that way! (I'm sure Dennis appreciates it too.) But I did want to share a photo that I'm very grateful for, since no one ever takes our pictures.

We're always the ones with the camera! So my uncle took one for us at Ben's graduation party on Saturday.

I think we were pretty rad looking...

My Bloody Valentine {Part B}

I shared a little with you all about our Valentine’s Day last week. Since I was super lame this last weekend and didn’t bring my DSLR around Portsmouth much. Here’s some instagram clips. (You can follow me: @emilyhavi)

Top Row, Left & Bottom Row, Middle:I put Piper, my parents’ dog, in there because she’s just too darn cute not to, right?! Aw MAN, I love her.

Top Row, Middle: A random British telephone booth I had never seen before on the outskirts of Downtown Portsmouth. Tried to open it. Failed.

Top Row, Right: My new dress that Dennis gifted to me for V-Day. Couldn’t wear it this past weekend, because NH was too freakin’ cold.

Middle Row, Left: Amazing Bloody Mary at The Friendly Toast. I went all out and had a little bit of alcohol Friday night. It was interesting. Oh and there’s a Friendly Toast in Kendall Square too! Check it out Bostonians.

Middle Row, Middle: Dennis-man on Saturday night at a spohts bah, kehd.

Middle Row, Right: Snuggly me on Sunday morning.

Bottom Row, Left: My beautiful flowers that arrived on V-Day from my wonderful boyfriend.

Bottom Row, Right: And um, hi cinnamon buns, how are you?! Had this on Sunday at Street.

Here’s a couple shots I got on Sunday, I think. Walking around downtown with Dennis.

I thought this letterpress & stationary shop’s display was beautiful and had to share it with you guys.

I want to thank my boyfriend for his patience with me. These days, I can often not be the easiest person to be around. God has thrown some major curve balls at me within the past months, and Dennis has been by my side and has been the most understanding man I know.

Thank you…

My Bloody Valentine {Part A.}

Tuesday was Valentine’s Day.

It was the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had, thanks to my boyfriend, Michael E. Dennis. Yes, I'm sharing this after the last post, but it is my life. I will share it. The good and the bad.

This weekend I’m taking him to Portsmouth, New Hampshire and we’re staying at a cute little Hilton on the corner of one of the main streets in downtown. I’m excited. We’ll just get to relax and eat and be together, around no one else.

It’ll be nice.

But anyways, Dennis surprised me with a lovely floral arrangement that was sent to my office at 4:45 p.m. Haha. The damn florists were late and called me as I was walking out of the office, apologizing and telling me to wait fifteen more minutes.

But it was worth the wait…

When I got back to 184 Green Street after work, Dennis met me there. When we got upstairs he anxiously said,

“May I give you your Valentine’s present?”

Because I’m not giving him his till this weekend, I was hesitate… But not THAT hesitant. He told me to wait in the kitchen and he’ll come get me.

When he did, he walked me to his room.

Remember this post? I was raving about this dress that was brand new that day on ModCloth.

Well, it was lying on his bed waiting for me…

I’m still a little speechless. It fit perfectly. It was the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received from a man.

Stay tuned for photos of this coming weekend! I’ll make sure to take a lot!

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part III- Kind of}

So, today I was planning on writing on what my romantic life was like after Tony… That’s going to come later this month, after I share my Portsmouth, NH weekend-trip with Dennis.

But today is Valentine’s Day, and I thought it would be even more appropriate to share with ya’ll who my Valentine is.

Now, all of you readers know that I recently started a new relationship with Dennis, who I’ve been best friends with for about two years now, and have known and been on/off friends with for almost ten years. When we first starting dating, I was like,

“okay, let’s go with it. See what happens.”

Now, as more time passes, I become more confident in the fact that God definitely sent this one to me with great things in mind. Michael Elliot Dennis is probably the healthiest and most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me in my romantic life.

Since I was 17, I’ve probably dated one guy in every genre of guy there is. I’ve dated Christian men, I’ve dated non-Christian men. I’ve dated musicians, and I’ve dated merchant marines.

There were photographers…

And there were jugglers.

There have been Indian men…

And there have been Scottish men.

I’ve dated emotionally stable men…

And I’ve dated men who’ve ended up in psych wards.

I could go on…

To this day, as I’ve grown into adulthood, I have realized that they all share(d) one thing in common: Selfishness.

But Dennis…

He is probably one of the least selfish men I know. I have never been treated with so much unconditional love, respect, patience, and quickness to listen that lately, with all the hormonzies and daily stress in my life lately, I’ll start crying just because it has at times felt so unnatural for me to be a part of. I think it was early January when one day, I walked out of Dennis’ room, and he handed me some of my laundry, folded and clean… No one had ever done that for me before. I have always been the giver in my relationships. Sending packages and love-letters, ironing their shirts, doing their laundry, taking care of them when they’re sick, and giving them parts of me that weren’t meant to be given.

But I do not look back on any of it and say, “I regret that and wish that hadn’t happened.” Because all of those “mistakes” are a part of the person I am now. I have learned a lot of lessons the hard way. And I’m a stronger woman because of it. After several short-lived but fairly serious relationships, I became so independent and happy to be by myself because I didn’t have to deal with the anxiety of being in a relationship. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who adores me as much as I adore him.

And the relationship-related anxiety is no where to be seen.

The past couple days I’ve looked at my boyfriend, and I can’t help but smile. He makes me happy. The trust we have in each other is unbreakable. The communication-level we have with each other is insanely high, and I think that has a lot to do with the incredible friendship we have as a foundation.

And we have so much freakin’ fun together…

Happy Valentine’s Day to one of the most amazing men in my life- my boyfriend, Michael E. Dennis.

P.S. Thanks for putting up with the mushiness. I’ll make sure to not do too many of these posts, because they even make me feel a little sick.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part II–My First “Love”}

Sooooo for some reason, I almost forgot that I was doing this “series.” I’ve had WAY too much on my mind lately. SHEESH, Em. Get with the program!! So here’s my installment numero deux on my “Thoughts on Valentine’s Day.”  I’m going to share with you the story of my first “love” and the one Valentine’s Day that was probably the most special I’ve had thus far.

When I was a junior in high school, I was extremely active in my youth group at church, as was Tony. We hated each other.

At least, I hated him.

My first memory of him was when we were in middle school and were in the same Sunday school class. He looked at me with a glaring eye and said, “are you stupid?” during a Jeopardy game. True love, indeed.

Anyways, moving right along… I started to see him in a different light that year as an upperclassman. He was a year above me at a neighboring high school, led worship, strummin’ his ‘ole guitar at youth group. Oh Le, Sigh.

I found out that he liked me too. He asked me to his prom. I had never really been kissed, etc, etc. It was all a lovely story. (Please excuse my shortness. I try not to relive too much of this relationship, and you guys don’t want to hear all the nitty gritty details.)

My senior year of high school, after the first of several painful '”breaks”, (Lord, ALMIGHTY I will not let my children date) we were back together and it was Valentine’s Day. I had started to get used to being let down at this point, but I was still young and desperately wanting some attention on Valentine’s Day. He was a freshman at a private Christian College about forty-five minutes away from my high school. Tony had mentioned that he had an exam that day and wouldn’t be able to see me.

I was sad.

First through forth periods came and went, and I had still heard nothing from him. My girlfriends were probably thinking, “why does she keep giving this guy another chance?”

I ask myself that to this day, but let’s be real here, I was young, people!

Lunch period came. Thank GOD it was lunch period. Time to be the social little butterfly and flitter from cafeteria table to table. And as the massive crowd of teenagers, reeking of BO, tried to cramp into the small entrances of the cafeteria, I hear from afar,

“Havi! Havi!”

No one except Tony called me that. (My middle name is Haviland. He loved my middle name.) I turned my head up (he was 6’4”)  and started searching for the familiar face. I finally found him pushing through the crowd, staring at me with my favorite flowers (Orchids at the time) and a card.

I ran to him and jumped into his arms.

The End

Okay, so it’s not that hard to beat. BUT it is probably one of the few moments I felt truly loved by him. I mean, it was an adolescent love, which to me, can or should be full of lovely memories to look back on. (I think I have a handful from that relationship. I think!)

Do you have any Valentine’s Day stories from high school??

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part I- Introduction}

I’ve decided to start a short-series of posts until Tuesday, February, 21, which is the Tuesday after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day has always been a subject of interest to me, so I thought this would be a good chance for me to share some of them. So here goes nothin’!

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Let’s start from the very beginning… (In song- *A very good place to start.*)

Since I was a little girl, I put Valentine’s Day on a big huge massive pedestal. It became this unachievable high point to my life that was yet unlived. I would watch all the princess Disney films and make my older brother watch them with me and prance around the living room with a basket and apron, and sing along with Arora and Ariel. It was a "little girl from the ‘80s and ‘90s” staple. Basically, if you didn’t do it, you were lame.

ANYWAYS

When middle school and high school hit, Valentine’s Day became one of the worst days of the year for me. I wasn’t popular. I wasn’t athletic. I was the weird bible-thumper (Ha!) with braces and teeny, tiny boobs (double-Ha!) and played the violin like a champ. Most of my closest girlfriends received some sort of love-note or carnation from a guy, while a couple of us sat in absolute despair, watching the smiles of all the others widen until their faces hurt. Thoughts would go through my head like,

“What does she have that I don’t?”

or

“Is something wrong with me?”

or

“No one will ever love me, because I’m not pretty like her.”

Above: There’s Karina at the bottom and me and Al in the middle. And another good friend, Keais on the left. This was taken when we were in 8th grade.

Honestly, I think that my high school made a huge mistake in partaking in the traditional carnation-sending from student to student. It put so much pressure on young boys that had absolutely no idea what it really meant, while bringing pain to those girls that didn’t receive a carnation. Ugh- What is wrong with this society?

All of us who were on the un-receiving side would all pretend that it was stupid holiday anyways and that we didn’t really care; but I’ll tell you right now, that each and every one of us girls did care…

Did any of you experience something like this? In hindsight, what are your thoughts on this now? Or do you disagree?

Real Life: My (Kinda) New Relationship

 

So, I have a little announcement for you guys…

If you have read closely enough, you may probably have noticed that I've been referring to my best friend, Dennis, as my boyfriend.

Yup, kids, that's right. Dennis and I are dating.

Our friendship goes way back to my sophomore/his senior year of high school. We met in theater class and instantly connected. We bonded over our mutual friend who was dating a guy with massive "moobs." (C'mon guys, we were in high school… But it's kinda still funny, right?) We spent some time together while he was an undergrad student with my brother at UMass Amherst. I witnessed his first keg stand there.

After several years of not being in contact, we bumped into each other at a party, exchanged numbers, and vowed to be friends forever. (Not really, but sort of. I'm romanticizing the story a bit for your reading pleasure.) We were dating other people; would even go on double dates with each other.

We've been best friends for two years. After an extremely rough year, I started to look at him in a different light… This guy had been by my side through thick and thin. He loved me for me, and I loved him for him. What was wrong with us?!

So, I won't go into too much detail, because some things should be kept sacred, right?! But throughout the coming months, I'm sure there will be times when I will toot his horn and sing his praises to you all.

 

But so far so incredible.

Thoughts on Being Single

Alright, so let’s be real here: Almost all the blogs I follow are of young women in their early twenties to early thirties who are in a relationship, married, or married with children. I’m trying to figure out why that is, but my mind has to work too hard in order to figure that one out and I eventually give up.

Five Pros and Five Cons of Being Single

Pros

1. I can be really selfish and just think about what God wants for me. What do I want? What are my needs? I don’t have to think about anyone else, but myself. (Talking about schedules, financial decisions, free time, etc.)

2. I can hang out with my bros whenever I want all the time and not have to worry about a significant other struggling with jealousy. (If I ever do meet someone wonderful, he will have to deal with the fact that I have a lot of man-friends anyways.)

3. When I’m sitting by myself at my apartment, I can watch Pride & Prejudice with no guilt.

4. I am extremely comfortable in my own skin. I love being me, and I’m not afraid to show who I am.

5. I get to talk to my mom on the phone about three times a day.

Cons

1. If my zipper to my back dress gets stuck or if the clasp of one of my bracelets is stuck, I have no one to help me.

2. I have to go to weddings, church, and holiday celebrations by myself.

3. Although Dennis and I snuggle at times, I sometimes lie in my bed at night wishing there was someone there to put the moves on me.

4. Which brings me to my next con – I am EXTREMELY sexually frustrated all the time. But that’s okay, since I’m not a skank anyways.

5. Grieving is extremely difficult when there’s no one else at home with you.

So there’s my pros and cons list! Now I want to make this very clear: I truly do enjoy being on my own and living my life the way I believe God wants me to. Being single is a HUGE blessing, and I have come to love it so much, but that doesn’t mean that there are really difficult parts about it. Each lifestyle has its own difficulties and its own battles. Right now though, God has chosen this life for me, and I love it.

Are you single or are you in a relationship? What does your pros and cons list looks like?

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First Dates

First Dates = Possible disaster.

Although, this wasn't the case for the one I had this past Saturday, it definitely wasn't prize-worthy either. Sunday morning, I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach. (In my mind, yellow-flag numero uno.) A couple reasons as to why I would rate this date mediocre:

1. I had a little too much to drink and got sick at 6 in the morning; which also led me to saying things like, "It's too early to end the night... Let's go watch a movie on my couch. We can snuggle." He respectfully declined, thank GOD!


2. The guy was cute, but not cute enough to be full of himself; which he totally was.


3. Related to 2. He's an only child. Only children and I do not seem to mix well.


4. Although I said, "No, it's okay. You don't have to wait with me to get a cab." I actually mean, "If you didn't wait to get a cab with me, I would think you're a douche." Which, obviously, he didn't.

Yes, that last one may be confusing to all men, but let's be serious here for a sec. You all know that women can be crazy and psycho, and we want you to have ESP and read our dear little minds. So just do it. It's really not that hard to be a sweet gentleman.

So, on we go to the next date, which probably won't be for another 3-6 months or so; for we all know that Emily's social life is thriving with excitement. But nontheless, I know that I am never alone and will never be alone. I have a God that loves me more than anything.

Artwork

Lack-Of-Date Frustration

Note that this is not "Lack-Of-Date" depression, it is merely frustration. The last guy I was with ended up being a total psycho and hurt me very badly, and now I can't even get a hit on eHarmony! What's up with this? Is there something I'm missing? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm the happiest person there can be, and I love being on my own. It is definitely when I thrive the most...

But a couple weeks ago, I was walking through Davis by myself, and I saw something unique and beautiful. It was a first-date-couple. They were that distance apart from each other when you can tell that they are feeling a little nervous, a little uncomfortable, but super excited. He was cracking some stupid joke that she was laughing at, and the chemistry was palpable.

So now I'm starting to feel like this whole spending nights by myself studying constantly, is starting to get old really fast. Karina is in Japan this week, Neen's schedule is crazier than mine, and... well, I think it's time for a date. It doesn't have to be a long-term, let's get "mawwied" type deal, but just a date. Even if it's just ONE.

Will somebody help a sister out and get her a date?!

Photo by Deviantart

Cyn Sent This To Me In the Mail...

So my mom has this new obsession with sending me books from the Christian bookstore in the mail. Forget sending them to her house, don't waste ANY time and send them straight to Em! Last time she sent me a book about staying away from the wrong guy... To be honest, I was a little pissed about it, but of course I know that my mother means well. The most recent addition to my library is a booke called "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping," by Dr. Henry Cloud. I laughed a little when I opened the package I got in the mail, but I didn't put this book straight on the bookshelf this time. I actually started reading... And it's not so bad! In fact, the first couple chapters have been rather inticing: Dating does not have to lead to marriage. It can be for fun. Use it as an exercise to get to know yourself and others.

I like that... Less pressure...

Young, single women, please check this book out! I totally trust this Dr. Cloud fellow. New Life Ministries has an amazing radio show that broadcasts at 1 p.m. every day. People call in with their struggles and prayers, and these insanely educated men try to give them some pointers standard to the Bible's teachings. And you'll be surprised how some of their answers can be on the more liberal side of things.

Check it out: http://newlife.com/about-us/programs-faqs/