Real Life: Singling But Not Mingling

So I've been single for eight months. I was in a very serious and fast relationship last year that ended so untriumphantly that it completely rocked my world. (And it was actually with someone from Nashville.) I was completely numb for the first three months post-break-up because of how out of the blue it had been. While I was sitting on my couch each day after work every day for those three months, I started to look at myself. I am twenty-five, I've fooled around a lot, and this time I thought this what it. I thought God had finally said, "Here he is, Em." So I realized that… it's just time to stop. I couldn't continue to enter into relationships with men I hardly knew that claimed to be the savior of all-time. Obviously, there was something wrong with this picture and after much assessment, I realized  that I was continuously lowering my standards with every man I dated. I was no longer living by the standards that my God had for me. So it was time to make a game plan. The ultimate campaign for my new lifestyle became: "No More." No more dating men I hadn't cultivated some sort of friendship with prior to. No more sex. Period. No more planning ahead with a man. Ever. And no more giving gifts prior to a serious trust-level being gained. 

Now some of those might sound a little intense and a little radical. And I agree with you! This is a very radical lifestyle I've been cultivating and living these past eight months. I've had some friends (the wonderful ones) completely support me and love it and then I have friends (the shitty ones) that laugh in my face telling me I'll never be able to do it. But guys, my break-up with my last boyfriend made me really look deeper into all my past relationships and pick apart what I had done to emotionally attach myself so intensely to someone else. And I realized that I had been over-using and prematurely using all my love-languages. I had been actively using these intimate love-languages with men I had no commitment or true love & trust with. When I'm with a man I care deeply for I want to: 

Be physically intimate

Give him gifts 

Play house and fantasize about the future with

I mean, that's pretty normal, right? Now over the past few years I've gained more control of the first and the last, but boy, do I just adore giving gifts. I really do. And I will waste my money on someone who I will never see again... It's just not a great idea, right?! So I knew that I needed to get a complete understanding of how I date appropriately knowing these things about myself and before I entered the dating world again. I gave myself a timeline of at least a year… Of course, things can change, but that's the pact that I had to make with myself and with God, and we'll take it a day at a time.

But once I get back INTO the dating scene, I'll have to deal with these Northern men all over again. And let me tell you how that goes here in good 'ole Beantown: 

There was a guy at this party I was at on New Years who was just so confused by the fact that he was at a party with people that go to church. GASP!! Heaven forbid that a Boston-local goes to church or that, even WORSE, they have FAITH IN SOMETHING! Holy shit, this is freakin' MINDBLOWING, guys! (All sarcasm, in case you weren't getting that.) I mean, really, being a single Christian woman in Boston is the equivalent to being a jellyfish who's trying to live a fulfilling life on the sand with the damn crabs. Impossible. Our parents wonder what's wrong with us and clearly, we're doing SOMETHING wrong, here, because, duh, our parents found each other after all! Guys, parents, people, please "listen" to me, here. We live in Boston. BOSTON. According to the Huffington Post, Boston is the #1 most educated city for young people in America. "In the Boston-Cambridge-Quincy, MA-NH metro area, 39.16 percent of the population aged 18 to 34 has a bachelor's degree or higher." Massachusetts is the #1 most liberal STATE and is 30.5% liberal. Education and faith just don't go hand in hand in our world anymore. In fact, the more educated the human race becomes, the more they depend on science rather than faith.

(stupid random piece of alfalfa hair)

And let's be real for a second, and I'm sorry if I offeahuhnd! (This is my experience.) The few men around here that ARE evangelical Christians are either already married, are seriously creepy nerds from MIT, or they're so conservative that they will hardly talk to you if you exude any sort of sexuality, independence, or rebellion from conservatism in any shape or form, because they're either secretly porn-addicts, they think we're below them, or they just don't trust themselves. I know this may sound harsh and all, but I'm speaking my truth and my truth only. This is what I've observed and have discussed with many-a-Christian-woman.

 

Having a serious Disney-Princess Complex, these past two years have been the first two that I haven't lived completely in hopes that I would find my husband. (I grew up in an evangelical church, guys.) The past eight months, dating has maybe crossed my mind never. It's been glorious. I have completely focused on MY future and what God wants for ME. I don't have to think about it, because it's a non-issue. And DAMN, it feels good to be a ganstah. 

Hair Bow: Forever21

Dress: Thrifted via Buffalo Exchange

Cardigan: Vintage via Great Eastern Trading Company

Necklace: So Good Jewelry

Shoes: Clarks

Frames: Victory Collections

Real Life: The Real Woman

The past couple weeks have not been my best. The man that I hastily thought was going to be a huge part of my future, may very well not be. I rarely share personal notes on this blog, but it seems that I must write a little to help with the healing process. I saw a post on Miss Indie - she shared a quick photo of  a new barbie doll that was created artist, Nickolay Lamm. 

She created a 3-D rendering of the original Barbie, but used "real woman" proportions according to the average American 19-year old. When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "wow, that actually looks like my body." I've never had that thought looking at a barbie doll, as I'm sure the rest of you haven't either. We look at these images of women in Vogue and whether we have body-image issues or not, we will always question whether those images are accurate or not. I struggled with body-image issues just like the regular American teen, but it seems to be just getting worse throughout the years for all these girls. The media will push healthy, organic eating all it wants, but what about all the rest of the images that are being poured into our psyches? What about the reality t.v. shows that just glorify these petite housewives who have even more issues than the rest of us? What about the shows on MTV that are filling our young tween's heads with garbage?

The larger percentage of women in America put all our worth in what a man thinks of us and our bodies.We constantly judge ourselves while looking in the mirror, and wonder "why don't I look like that girl I saw today?" For the past almost-week, I've been asking myself "what did I do wrong?" Crying out to God and asking Him for wisdom is all I've been able to do. But God said something so clearly to me, "let him go and then I'll be able to do my work." I didn't do anything wrong this time, except believe this man and what he was telling me. But guess what, I am a beautiful woman who is beloved by God. I am a child of His, and no matter what the future holds, I do know that it holds a lot of exciting changes coming up, including a very big move to Nashville. 

Women, look at that representation more closely. The doll on the right is, physically, is what average women look like. We have bigger feet and our torsos don't actually create a ridiculous pear shape unlike the 2 percent of models across the world. We are real. We have real desires. We have real dreams. And it is up to us to catch them. 

Real Life: Independence

Independence has become something that I strive for on a daily basis, and by that I don't just mean financially but also emotionally, physically, and mentally. My past has been a factor in molding me in this way, for when I was younger, even two or three years ago, I was finding myself depending on the current boyfriend or the current closest friend. I would sometimes make changes to my life-plans to somewhat parallel theirs. I wanted so desperately to not be abandoned or left behind, so I would change my standards. 

source

Moving out of my parent's house at a younger age than many traditional straight-out-of-high-school-to college kids, I started to learn what I was capable of on my own. God started teaching me pretty intense life changing lessons during the early years of my time first living on my own. And with those lessons, gave me confidence in myself as an individual and as a self-sufficient young woman. Then I started to become proud of who I was growing into, which is, to me, one of the most freeing experiences life has to offer. It's so liberating knowing that I can depend on just myself and the Lord and be confident in the fact that there is no one else that I have emotional/relational ties to. Yeah, it might get me down every so often, but I always get back up! 

Being single is not an unfortunate state to be in as a young woman in her mid-twenties. It is a blessing! And although I don't have someone to to text all the time and I don't have someone to constantly have my back, I have me! I have Jesus. I have a life that is all mine and no one else's. I get to do things, like pick up an move to a different city! (hint, wink) and not have to worry about kids or a boyfriend or husband. 

...

That has been sitting in my drafts for months, and thought it was time to share a little on my thoughts on random life experiences. 

Style de Haviland: Exes & Mawwiage

My exes are officially starting to get married. 

It's definitely a little weird to be the one that's probably not going to be married for a while, if it all. When I was 17, I thought I would be married like my mom at age 20. I was 17/18, of course, young and naive. But it wasn't until the last year and a half or two that I started to realize that marriage may not happen to me as young as the rest of my fellow Christian friends, or at all. Life has thrown me a lot of difficult obstacles, and with those obstacles came a lot of growth. And with that growth came the realization that marriage is indeed life-long, and that I might not be as prepared for it as I wished when I was watching Disney princess movies. 

My first love is engaged, which is not surprising at all. He always wanted to get married young, and ended up moving across the country for her. Whom I refer to as my first "adult relationship" is now married, which is probably the weirdest to me even though he was a decent amount older than I. I just don't see the maturity level in that one… ANYWAYS. 

The problem I always had was the lack of respect in those two major relationships. My first love cheated on me and I was young and up until maybe two years ago, there was a part of me that was stuck on him and would have taken him back. Very sad. Very pathetic. I think it's probably the one thing I regret about my past, and also the reason why there was a major lack of respect on his part. The other man that I loved viewed me as a child. When we broke up he told me that I should date someone my own age. I was 20 and he was 26. "Em, stick with guys your own age. I'm sorry I'm not going to marry you." Not really sure what that had to do with breaking up with me, but as my dad says...

He was such a douche bag. (Thanks for the back-up, dad. Ha!)

I'm not really sure what I expected though at this age. Did I think it was all going to stay the same? Did I think that we were all going to just continue dating until the end of time? 

photos by Michael E. Dennis

Necklace: Gifted from Bobbles & Lace 

Blouse: J.Crew Sale 

Belt: J.Crew Sale

Trousers: J.Crew Sale

Sandals: Clarks

No… But I guess I wasn't really expecting at so soon. It's bizarre going onto Facebook and everyone's status updates are wedding photos and baby photos… I mean, I've got a baby bug just like any other girl in their twenties, but I'm definitely not having one anytime before I'm thirty! I'm too selfish! 

Are any of you experiencing this? Thoughts? 

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part IV- Post Tony/Ex-Mike}

I know that Valentine’s Day was two weeks ago, but its still February, and I still have a little bit to share about my past romances.

If you missed out on this little series, see below:

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part I- Intro}

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part II- My First Love}

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part III- Kind of}

To clear things up a little bit, this is more of a continuation of Part II. I’m going to share with you what happened after I dated Tony…

So Tony and I broke up. I was a mess. Literally. For over a year. It rocked my world at levels that it shouldn’t have. But eventually, after I dated a guy my sophomore year of college who was touring with his band and ended up hurting him in the process, I got over it. (I still regret that to this day.) After many mistakes, leaving that college, and moving back home, I became a nanny. I became a nanny to the most beautiful 5-year old boy- Lorenzo. Lorenzo and I became “liaahhkk peas ‘n carrots.”

The second summer I was his nanny, I moved in with them. (Lorenzo’s mother and I became very close, and although we have naturally grown apart, I look back at those couple of years and realize how incredible of a friendship and sisterhood we had with each other. Being a live-in nanny is extremely intimate, and co-parenting Lorenzo with his mom was a true joy and incredible experience.) ANYWAYS, I always seem to get into random tangents. Apologies for that!

Back to the second summer. I was living with them. Lorenzo’s “Uncle Mike” came for a visit in July. When I saw him, I was immediately attracted to him. And it pretty much just started from there. He started flying me across the country to visit him, for he was a merchant marine and was stationed all over the place. I fell hard. Apparently he did too, but the few times I ever think about that time in my life, I doubt it more and more.

Thanksgiving came and I went to the Vineyard and spent it with the family. He broke up with me the day after Thanksgiving. On an island. No way to get out or away, and during a holiday that I had sacrificed time with my family to be with his. I rarely look back at this time, but if/when I do, I’m still taken aback by the amount of douchiness.

Although we were no longer “together” we still spent as much time together as we could. I’m not really sure why. I don’t remember the sense behind this, but it is what it is. Christmas came and went. He gave me a pair of winter boots. Thanks, I still wear them and they’re still in perfect condition.

And then came Valentine’s Day.

Now, we broke up, remember. But for some reason he was still calling, skyping, and texting me everyday while he was away, telling me he loved me, etc. All very confusing to a young 20 year-old. And then the lovely, always-disappointing holiday, Valentine’s Day came. And since he was vacationing in Costa Rica for a month, he decided to send me a pooka-shell necklace.

This is a 27-year-old man. Pooka-shells.

Think about.

And when I opened the package there was a wrinkled up piece of notebook paper that said something along the lines of:

“When I saw this, I thought of you. A native was making these and said it had some sort of meaning, but I can’t remember what it is now. Happy Valentine’s Day. Hope to see you soon.”

I called him and yelled some profanities at him, and then we basically hardly ever spoke ever again.

The End.

Three years later…

I’m here. And I’m alive. And I’ve never been happier.

I’ve learned gobs of lessons and have finally started to figure out how to implement any wisdom gained from those lessons to my life. (I think that’s the hardest part.) Although I’ve had some really shitty relationships, and the men that I’ve unfortunately been attracted to in the past have not be good men, are all a part of who I am today. God has turned every horrible, painful, and tear-filled experience into a beautiful lesson well-learned.

And I couldn’t be more grateful to Him for that.

Interruptions in the Grieving Process

These past couple months I have neglected to write much about my dear best friend, Karina. (If you don’t know the story, feel free to go back to here and here.) I had the thought of writing a post dedicated to her every monthly-anniversary, but, unfortunately, that clearly hasn’t happened. This is because the past several months had become dedicated to family-related drama and terror (for lack of better words,) thus truly coming to terms with grieving over the loss of my relationship with my older brother, but that’s neither here nor there.

Needless to say, the family troubles that my parents, my younger  brother, and I have endured recently have been distracting me completely from moving along with my grieving process over the loss of my best friend, Karina Marie. For about two months, from about Thanksgiving to sometime in late January, I shed not but one tear for my friend.

Not one.

I was becoming the stronghold for both my beloved family in one situation and my closest loved ones in another situation. As February came, things died down with my family, and Karina started haunting my daily life again. (Now when I use the word haunting, I don’t mean it negatively at all. And I also don’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about her everyday as it was. It just became more prevalent again.) Maybe two weeks ago, I started feeling less stressed about my family situation, thus started feel another bout of deep pain and anguish – related to the obvious holes in my daily life: not hearing Karina’s voice, not listening to her stories, not having impromptu sleepovers during the week, not staying up till the wee hours talking about anything and everything from the meaningless nothings to our deepest thoughts and secrets.

I’ve started crying randomly and more often, just like the first two or three months after her accident. I’ve begun verbalizing my thoughts more- telling Dennis and my closest friends stories of her heroism in my life that come out like verbal diarrhea, for I hadn’t thought of those memories until actually speaking them out loud. Every time I think and talk about our vacations together, our adventures, the people we met, the men we dated, the nitty-gritty discussions and challenges we had together, I smile. I always smile when I think about her.

My memories of our friendship bring joy to my life still, which is so crazy to me. You would think that even though you’re grieving a massive loss in your life, that you would only be depressed and angry. Although I feel those things as well, oh boy do I, I still feel immense joy and thankfulness that I had  years of deep friendship with her. She was and still is a true soul mate. And I can’t wait to be reunited with her. It’s one of the things that I am truly blessed to have- knowing that it isn’t over with us. I now understand from experience that that is the beauty of Christ as well. He gives us a second chance- a second life. And we get to live it together for eternity.

My Bloody Valentine {Part B}

I shared a little with you all about our Valentine’s Day last week. Since I was super lame this last weekend and didn’t bring my DSLR around Portsmouth much. Here’s some instagram clips. (You can follow me: @emilyhavi)

Top Row, Left & Bottom Row, Middle:I put Piper, my parents’ dog, in there because she’s just too darn cute not to, right?! Aw MAN, I love her.

Top Row, Middle: A random British telephone booth I had never seen before on the outskirts of Downtown Portsmouth. Tried to open it. Failed.

Top Row, Right: My new dress that Dennis gifted to me for V-Day. Couldn’t wear it this past weekend, because NH was too freakin’ cold.

Middle Row, Left: Amazing Bloody Mary at The Friendly Toast. I went all out and had a little bit of alcohol Friday night. It was interesting. Oh and there’s a Friendly Toast in Kendall Square too! Check it out Bostonians.

Middle Row, Middle: Dennis-man on Saturday night at a spohts bah, kehd.

Middle Row, Right: Snuggly me on Sunday morning.

Bottom Row, Left: My beautiful flowers that arrived on V-Day from my wonderful boyfriend.

Bottom Row, Right: And um, hi cinnamon buns, how are you?! Had this on Sunday at Street.

Here’s a couple shots I got on Sunday, I think. Walking around downtown with Dennis.

I thought this letterpress & stationary shop’s display was beautiful and had to share it with you guys.

I want to thank my boyfriend for his patience with me. These days, I can often not be the easiest person to be around. God has thrown some major curve balls at me within the past months, and Dennis has been by my side and has been the most understanding man I know.

Thank you…

My Bloody Valentine {Part A.}

Tuesday was Valentine’s Day.

It was the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had, thanks to my boyfriend, Michael E. Dennis. Yes, I'm sharing this after the last post, but it is my life. I will share it. The good and the bad.

This weekend I’m taking him to Portsmouth, New Hampshire and we’re staying at a cute little Hilton on the corner of one of the main streets in downtown. I’m excited. We’ll just get to relax and eat and be together, around no one else.

It’ll be nice.

But anyways, Dennis surprised me with a lovely floral arrangement that was sent to my office at 4:45 p.m. Haha. The damn florists were late and called me as I was walking out of the office, apologizing and telling me to wait fifteen more minutes.

But it was worth the wait…

When I got back to 184 Green Street after work, Dennis met me there. When we got upstairs he anxiously said,

“May I give you your Valentine’s present?”

Because I’m not giving him his till this weekend, I was hesitate… But not THAT hesitant. He told me to wait in the kitchen and he’ll come get me.

When he did, he walked me to his room.

Remember this post? I was raving about this dress that was brand new that day on ModCloth.

Well, it was lying on his bed waiting for me…

I’m still a little speechless. It fit perfectly. It was the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received from a man.

Stay tuned for photos of this coming weekend! I’ll make sure to take a lot!

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part III- Kind of}

So, today I was planning on writing on what my romantic life was like after Tony… That’s going to come later this month, after I share my Portsmouth, NH weekend-trip with Dennis.

But today is Valentine’s Day, and I thought it would be even more appropriate to share with ya’ll who my Valentine is.

Now, all of you readers know that I recently started a new relationship with Dennis, who I’ve been best friends with for about two years now, and have known and been on/off friends with for almost ten years. When we first starting dating, I was like,

“okay, let’s go with it. See what happens.”

Now, as more time passes, I become more confident in the fact that God definitely sent this one to me with great things in mind. Michael Elliot Dennis is probably the healthiest and most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me in my romantic life.

Since I was 17, I’ve probably dated one guy in every genre of guy there is. I’ve dated Christian men, I’ve dated non-Christian men. I’ve dated musicians, and I’ve dated merchant marines.

There were photographers…

And there were jugglers.

There have been Indian men…

And there have been Scottish men.

I’ve dated emotionally stable men…

And I’ve dated men who’ve ended up in psych wards.

I could go on…

To this day, as I’ve grown into adulthood, I have realized that they all share(d) one thing in common: Selfishness.

But Dennis…

He is probably one of the least selfish men I know. I have never been treated with so much unconditional love, respect, patience, and quickness to listen that lately, with all the hormonzies and daily stress in my life lately, I’ll start crying just because it has at times felt so unnatural for me to be a part of. I think it was early January when one day, I walked out of Dennis’ room, and he handed me some of my laundry, folded and clean… No one had ever done that for me before. I have always been the giver in my relationships. Sending packages and love-letters, ironing their shirts, doing their laundry, taking care of them when they’re sick, and giving them parts of me that weren’t meant to be given.

But I do not look back on any of it and say, “I regret that and wish that hadn’t happened.” Because all of those “mistakes” are a part of the person I am now. I have learned a lot of lessons the hard way. And I’m a stronger woman because of it. After several short-lived but fairly serious relationships, I became so independent and happy to be by myself because I didn’t have to deal with the anxiety of being in a relationship. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who adores me as much as I adore him.

And the relationship-related anxiety is no where to be seen.

The past couple days I’ve looked at my boyfriend, and I can’t help but smile. He makes me happy. The trust we have in each other is unbreakable. The communication-level we have with each other is insanely high, and I think that has a lot to do with the incredible friendship we have as a foundation.

And we have so much freakin’ fun together…

Happy Valentine’s Day to one of the most amazing men in my life- my boyfriend, Michael E. Dennis.

P.S. Thanks for putting up with the mushiness. I’ll make sure to not do too many of these posts, because they even make me feel a little sick.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part II–My First “Love”}

Sooooo for some reason, I almost forgot that I was doing this “series.” I’ve had WAY too much on my mind lately. SHEESH, Em. Get with the program!! So here’s my installment numero deux on my “Thoughts on Valentine’s Day.”  I’m going to share with you the story of my first “love” and the one Valentine’s Day that was probably the most special I’ve had thus far.

When I was a junior in high school, I was extremely active in my youth group at church, as was Tony. We hated each other.

At least, I hated him.

My first memory of him was when we were in middle school and were in the same Sunday school class. He looked at me with a glaring eye and said, “are you stupid?” during a Jeopardy game. True love, indeed.

Anyways, moving right along… I started to see him in a different light that year as an upperclassman. He was a year above me at a neighboring high school, led worship, strummin’ his ‘ole guitar at youth group. Oh Le, Sigh.

I found out that he liked me too. He asked me to his prom. I had never really been kissed, etc, etc. It was all a lovely story. (Please excuse my shortness. I try not to relive too much of this relationship, and you guys don’t want to hear all the nitty gritty details.)

My senior year of high school, after the first of several painful '”breaks”, (Lord, ALMIGHTY I will not let my children date) we were back together and it was Valentine’s Day. I had started to get used to being let down at this point, but I was still young and desperately wanting some attention on Valentine’s Day. He was a freshman at a private Christian College about forty-five minutes away from my high school. Tony had mentioned that he had an exam that day and wouldn’t be able to see me.

I was sad.

First through forth periods came and went, and I had still heard nothing from him. My girlfriends were probably thinking, “why does she keep giving this guy another chance?”

I ask myself that to this day, but let’s be real here, I was young, people!

Lunch period came. Thank GOD it was lunch period. Time to be the social little butterfly and flitter from cafeteria table to table. And as the massive crowd of teenagers, reeking of BO, tried to cramp into the small entrances of the cafeteria, I hear from afar,

“Havi! Havi!”

No one except Tony called me that. (My middle name is Haviland. He loved my middle name.) I turned my head up (he was 6’4”)  and started searching for the familiar face. I finally found him pushing through the crowd, staring at me with my favorite flowers (Orchids at the time) and a card.

I ran to him and jumped into his arms.

The End

Okay, so it’s not that hard to beat. BUT it is probably one of the few moments I felt truly loved by him. I mean, it was an adolescent love, which to me, can or should be full of lovely memories to look back on. (I think I have a handful from that relationship. I think!)

Do you have any Valentine’s Day stories from high school??

Another Open Mic Night

Last night Rob and I performed at another open mic. This time we did one that’s held at The Burren in Davis Square, Somerville, Ma. I promise you that I will have some recordings to share very soon. Rob and I haven’t really been on top of it.

What I wore:

Necklace- Eastern Trading Company, Blouse: Nordstroms, Jeans: Buffalo, Boots- Nicol

And here are some silly pictures that Rob took of Dennis and I.

Even though these pictures don’t capture our entire faces (ehemm, Rob,) I love how happy we look.

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day {Part I- Introduction}

I’ve decided to start a short-series of posts until Tuesday, February, 21, which is the Tuesday after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day has always been a subject of interest to me, so I thought this would be a good chance for me to share some of them. So here goes nothin’!

Image

Let’s start from the very beginning… (In song- *A very good place to start.*)

Since I was a little girl, I put Valentine’s Day on a big huge massive pedestal. It became this unachievable high point to my life that was yet unlived. I would watch all the princess Disney films and make my older brother watch them with me and prance around the living room with a basket and apron, and sing along with Arora and Ariel. It was a "little girl from the ‘80s and ‘90s” staple. Basically, if you didn’t do it, you were lame.

ANYWAYS

When middle school and high school hit, Valentine’s Day became one of the worst days of the year for me. I wasn’t popular. I wasn’t athletic. I was the weird bible-thumper (Ha!) with braces and teeny, tiny boobs (double-Ha!) and played the violin like a champ. Most of my closest girlfriends received some sort of love-note or carnation from a guy, while a couple of us sat in absolute despair, watching the smiles of all the others widen until their faces hurt. Thoughts would go through my head like,

“What does she have that I don’t?”

or

“Is something wrong with me?”

or

“No one will ever love me, because I’m not pretty like her.”

Above: There’s Karina at the bottom and me and Al in the middle. And another good friend, Keais on the left. This was taken when we were in 8th grade.

Honestly, I think that my high school made a huge mistake in partaking in the traditional carnation-sending from student to student. It put so much pressure on young boys that had absolutely no idea what it really meant, while bringing pain to those girls that didn’t receive a carnation. Ugh- What is wrong with this society?

All of us who were on the un-receiving side would all pretend that it was stupid holiday anyways and that we didn’t really care; but I’ll tell you right now, that each and every one of us girls did care…

Did any of you experience something like this? In hindsight, what are your thoughts on this now? Or do you disagree?

Real Life: My (Kinda) New Relationship

 

So, I have a little announcement for you guys…

If you have read closely enough, you may probably have noticed that I've been referring to my best friend, Dennis, as my boyfriend.

Yup, kids, that's right. Dennis and I are dating.

Our friendship goes way back to my sophomore/his senior year of high school. We met in theater class and instantly connected. We bonded over our mutual friend who was dating a guy with massive "moobs." (C'mon guys, we were in high school… But it's kinda still funny, right?) We spent some time together while he was an undergrad student with my brother at UMass Amherst. I witnessed his first keg stand there.

After several years of not being in contact, we bumped into each other at a party, exchanged numbers, and vowed to be friends forever. (Not really, but sort of. I'm romanticizing the story a bit for your reading pleasure.) We were dating other people; would even go on double dates with each other.

We've been best friends for two years. After an extremely rough year, I started to look at him in a different light… This guy had been by my side through thick and thin. He loved me for me, and I loved him for him. What was wrong with us?!

So, I won't go into too much detail, because some things should be kept sacred, right?! But throughout the coming months, I'm sure there will be times when I will toot his horn and sing his praises to you all.

 

But so far so incredible.

My Favorite Film-Couples

A couple weeks/months? ago one of my favorite bloggers shared some of her favorite film-couples. (I’m almost positive it was Lauren from Busy Bee Lauren.) Although my favorite film-genre is generally horror and there usually aren’t many epic romances involved in those films, I do in fact have a soft side that enjoys super sappy, romantic chick-flicks.

And this is indeed in chronological order.

1. Anne Shirely & Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables

Basically you and I can’t be friends if you are a chick and think this series is stupid… You’re stupid. The thing that I think every young woman loves about Anne Shirley is that her character is so relatable. She is just a girl trying to figure out life and the damn kid sitting next to her is being an asshole during class. I mean, give the girl a break?!

But seriously, Gill touches every woman’s heart in a way no other man ever could. His relationship with Anne is so incredible because it’s just so difficult!

But he loves her. And he loves her. And he loves her.

So much.

And eventually, she realizes that she loves him too.

2. Mr. Darcy & Elizabeth Bennet from Pride & Prejudice

I’ve seen them all, kids. I’ve seen probably every version out there. But I’m not going to lie, my favorite one is the most recent made in 2005 with Kiera Knightley and Matthew MacFayden. Kiera does an impeccable job portraying Elizabeth Bennet’s stubbornness. These two characters probably have the most sexual tension in any love story ever. It’s pretty rad.

And the ending. Oh the ending is divine. The scene in the field when Mr. Darcy is briskly walking through the morning mist towards Elizabeth…

Sigh.

(And one of my best friends is playing Mr. Darcy in a community theater production in March! Can’t wait!)

3. Kathleen Kelly & Joe Fox from You’ve Got Mail

I don’t think this one got rave reviews when it came out, put it has pretty much gone down in history for a good majority of the U.S. female population. This story is just downright hilarious. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (circa before she had too much work done but was starting to look a little alienesque) make a great couple. They have incredible chemistry and the banter between Kathleen and Joe is pretty awesome. They absolutely hate each other.

And then, they love each other.

And she says, “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.”

Brings tears to my eyes every time. No fail.

And then a modern version of “Somewhere over the Rainbow” fades in slowly.

4. Holly Golightly & Paul Varjak from Breakfast at Tiffany’s

This is one of my all-time favorite movies. I mean, I’m a twenty-something relatively feminine young woman. Don’t we all love Audrey? It’s another friends-lovers story. I think one of the reasons why I love this story so much is because Audrey Hepburn’s character reminds me a bit of myself at times. She’s kinda crazy and a little off her rocker, but she has an incredible heart. And the way Paul loves her unconditionally… It just makes my heart pitter patter.

So there you have it. As I was writing this I started to realize that all four of these stories have a common denominator, which is they are all “friends-lovers” love stories. I guess it’s because as I’ve grown into adulthood, I’ve realized how important it is to have a deep friendship with the person you are in a relationship with. Having that foundation is an incredible thing to work off of. If you pursue this person as a friend first and foremost, there is an unbreakable trust that forms. I myself am blessed to be currently living this through experience with my best friend, Dennis. Falling for your best friend is something truly wonderful.

Love

Sometimes I ask myself and I ask God, "is true love real?... That unconditional, need to wake up next to you and smell your morning breathe, could stare into your eyes for an hour straight and not blink because I'm so love-sick, could have sex with you everytime I look at you--- type love." I'd say that right now, I'm 50/50. Half of the time I believe in it and half of the time I don't.

When a man closing in on 40 hasn't asked his girlfriend of almost 3 years to marry him, I don't believe.

When a man treats his girlfriend with so much trust and respect that it sickens me, I do believe.

When a man cheats on his wife of less than 2 years, I don't believe.

But when a man gets down on his knees in the middle of a deep country field outside of London to ask the woman of his dreams to marry him, then takes her on a day-trip to Paris where there are love-letters intricately placed throughout the city for her to see... That's when I remember that I believe.

Almost on a daily basis I have to remind myself that God has someone in mind for me. There could be a handfull of them and none of them including myself are ready for the final hoorah. I mean, honestly, I have no idea, and if I end up as the Mama Hen of my girlfriends and am forever an old maid, I'm strangely okay with that. I think I would make a good bachelorette. Albeit, there is my backup plan: If I'm not married by age 35, I get artificially inseminated with Swamy's cousin's sperm. (He's the official donater. Sperm requirements are:

Age: Under 50

Ethnicity: Indian = beautiful babies)

But for some reason, I don't think I will need that backup plan in the end.

The Mystery Man

As I passed the Starbucks on the corner of Congress and High Street this morning, I looked over to my right. He was looking at me, waiting for me to look to him. It was in that moment that I remembered what it was like to be comfortably in love. No, I didn’t fall in love with the only Club Monaco model look-alike in Boston, but we had a moment, okay?! Literally, it was one second at the most. I actually had to turn around in the middle of the crosswalk to look at him again… I could recall in just that moment what it used to feel like....

Photograph